l'm struggling really f*ing hard with my recovery, because my ED demons are so goddamn loud! I really want to stay on track, because the working out I've gotten back into has done wonders for my body. At the same time, the progress I want means I need to stop binging and purging, but that is one of the hardest things for me to stop. All my emotions are tired to it, but I know I'm stronger than that--I know that b/p-ing isn't my only coping mechanism.
Also, I'm supposed to be eating over 2200 to make the progress I want, but that is SUCH a triggering number!!! Knowingly eating anymore than 1500 is such a struggle already, and now I'm also struggling with b/p-ing. I am having such a hard time! I mean my waist is still 23", which is from eating right (AND enough aka 2350-ish per day), so I don't feel as bad about myself.
The thing that is really hard for me is my bleeping bf. He makes my recovery so much fucking harder. He makes it so tough on me, because he pushes all the buttons that piss me the fuck off. I hate him. I hate him and everything he does to me. I hate him so fucking much right now. I think he's secretly working out but telling me he isn't. He's such a douchebag sometimes. I asked him whether he thought my stomach would look good in a belly-baring halloween outfit and he said "i'm sure you'll look fine." A little offended, I bugged him a little about it more, and he says "oh you mean your belly? it'll look fine." Its not like he doesn't know how insecure I feel about my body, but he just went the extra mile to make me feel worse. Thanks asshole. Fuck you.
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